Of a Monday

It’s all right, it’s difficult; I’m happy, I feel dumb. Such are emotions amid the chapter of figuring out what to do, as a writer, as a mom with kids mostly grown. Last week I gained the littlest bit more confidence. As if the jungle in which I’ve floundered these past months is opening to reveal a path. I think I may see the way ahead, sort of.

And, right, there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

In church David Crabtree continued teaching 1st Samuel. Things came up as he spoke and in discussion afterwards, about the troubling, intersecting stories of Israel’s first two kings, Saul and David. There’s a lot I could try to recapture, but I’m working to restrain a recent sermonizing streak. Mainly, there’s confusion and concern over how God treated Saul compared to David. What were Saul’s great sins, next to those of his successor, David, the adulterer, the murderer, the man after God’s own heart? Do we know Saul’s eternal destination? (I lean toward not knowing, and the possibility he was not destined for damnation.) Could his main problem be he would not accept his role in history? There’ll be more to ponder in coming weeks.

The relevance for me involves accepting my God-given role. I’m not talking, as I used to years ago, about systemizing a plan for ministry to the world, with the attitude, “I’ll ask, and I’ll receive the goal I’ve visualized.” As David C. said at church, it’s fine to try and change life’s details, but they may not change. The path may not open.

There the real wrestling begins, the work I’ve come to see as a deed of the heart. It includes toiling, inside, to decide whether or not God is a good writer/producer. If God is good, God has always, in every detail, been good and has worked for the good of those for whom the story of our reality was written. Do I trust God's authorship enough to keep following, wherever this tale may lead my favorite character(s)?

So far, I conclude with growing confidence the God-story is a good one, even if my bit-part within it remains very small.